A little something to start off Angstober. Am a little surprised I’d managed to do anything, because the last few weeks have been utterly unproductive, but maybe I just burnt myself out and needed a change of subject to write about.

A spiritual continuation, in a way, of last Angstober’s The Council

(If you’re just here for my fanfiction, feel free to block the tag masterofrecords angsts. All of angstober is going to be original works, so you won’t miss anything.)

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The vows of a paladin are not easily broken, but what worth is there to a holy knight of a dead god?

Lucas watches the world around him change, seemingly seamlessly falling into a new routine lacking of magic. His brothers lay down their arms, mages turn to research or madness, the songs of the minstrels lose their unnatural charm. Even Remi, whose devotion Lucas would never doubt, takes off the sacred twin moons brooch in favor of a healer’s hood.

Lucas clings to the sun etched on his breastplate and feels terribly alone.

He’s given his vows to a being that no longer exists, an angel doomed to be eventually forgotten. His vows mean nothing, and yet Lucas cannot let them go.

He prays every morning, only to be met with emptiness where the reassuring heat in his chest used to be – no more shortcuts, no more gentle guidance. By sheer habit, he reaches his hand out to ease David’s nausea or pain, only to be once more struck by how powerless he now is.

Under the scorching light of day, his own sun is no longer there to show him the way. For the first time in his life, Lucas fears he could stray off the right path, because there is no path anymore. Every morning, he prays, and every night, he recites his vows, desperate to remember.

He knows the value of a sacrifice. The knight of the sacrificial angel, he dares not resent her for abandoning him for the greater good, willing to shoulder the burden of those left behind.

But Lucas is still mortal, and weak, and he isn’t sure he has a purpose anymore.

He doesn’t confide in his friends, unwilling to burden them further. Audrey is drowning in her grief, Remi in work. Kira’s magic is still not fully gone, and she’s struggling with control, disappearing into the forest for weeks on end.

Benedict is the one who’s adjusted best of them all, having no magical affinity or particular affection to gods from the very beginning, but that also means he has little sympathy for Lucas, as much as he tries to show otherwise.

David… perceptive, tactful David looks up at him one day, leaning a little heavier against the headrest of his wheelchair, and smiles. “There are things you can still do, you know,” David says a little sadly, and Lucas feels guilty, because David had lost so much more than him. “You served the Sun Angel, but she served the people. Don’t you think that’s worth something?”

Lucas stops asking for guidance in his prayers, and instead begs for wisdom and strength. He still recites his vows, but the name of the goddess slowly disappears from them.

The etchings on his armor dim, protective charms wearing off. Lucas looks up at the sun lighting up his way, and lets his own heart be his god, showing him the way.

The vows of a paladin are not easily broken.

At least, that’s what Lucas tells himself.